Helping children grieve in a healthy way  

Parents want to protect children from pain and suffering. However, when a loved one dies, parents, close friends and acquaintances are often at a loss as to how to handle this loss and what to say to a child. Is it appropriate to allow a 4 year old to see grandma dead? What if a classmate dies? What if the beloved nanny leaves or is dismissed? Loss can include the death of someone a child knew well, or a pet, moving home and loosing friends, parents separating or older siblings leaving home.

Children are often excluded from processing loss by not being allowed to see, feel and be with loss or death. They need an explanation, an acknowledgement that they too can feel deeply. Through including children in grief, they gain emotional intelligence. Grieving as a family is bonding and healing. If you have trouble doing that, ask for help from an experienced grief counsellor. I recall a client who grew up in Africa, telling me how she secretly cried for her black nanny, who was dismissed without warning. She had been the only woman who had shown her love and kindness. She disappeared overnight from her life without a trace.

It may be our discomfort and difficulty facing our own pain that prevents us from being able to be present with our children. There is not a right or wrong way to mourn, it is a very personal experience. My younger son was 13 when my husband's father died. He Was the only child home at the time. When we got the call that grandpa died, we simply packed a few clothes, got in the car and started driving. We got to his house a bit over two hours later. Grandpa was still sitting in the chair where he died, his body still a little warm around his back. The fluffy cat was sitting on his lap. I hadn't thought about grieving before and how I would talk to my son. I did know that many of my clients had locked the pain of loss somewhere into their bodies and this affected their wellbeing many years later.

I wanted to make it meaningful for us and an emotionally precious experience. We hugged as a family, kissed grandpa good-bye. What came spontaneously was that despite a cold night, we stayed up most of it. Wrapped in blankets we sat in the room with grandpa and talked about life and death. We cried holding each other and we smiled remembering how much we had liked his company. My son wanted to know about my grandparents, what happened when they died and what happened with funerals, rituals and how we coped. We talked a while, sat in silence, hugged and cried. None of us was ready to leave the room to go to bed. What happens to us after we die? I spoke openly about my understanding and explained that he would need to search and discover what was true for him. This night gave us something priceless. By the morning, grandpa started to smell dead, he was obviously not with us any more. We were able to say good-bye when the funeral director came to pick him up. The funeral had to be organized. Comfort came from touch and knowing that we would come through this together as a family.

A child's perception Children have strong feelings and will show them differently at different ages. They also interpret what we say in their own logic. These are few examples of how the well meaning adult can cause enormous stress in a child by wanting to give comforting words. "God called you Daddy to heaven" Child's logic: "If God called Daddy, when is he calling my Mum or even me?" "He passed away peacefully in his sleep" Child: "I don't understand, does it mean this can happen when I go to sleep? Am I in danger?" This child may fight going to sleep and have nightmares. "We lost her, she's gone away". Child: "Maybe we will find her or she'll come back if I'm a good girl." "At least she is at peace now". Child: "It must be my fault, I've been fighting with her. If I was a better person, she would not have died..." It is easy to see how many misunderstandings happen unintentionally. Accessing the buried traumas with Kinesiology In my work as a Kinesiologist, I assist clients to discover and process unhealed life experiences which are preventing them from being well in present time. Each being remembers events with a strong emotional component. The body knows how we dealt with it, even though we may not be able to access and speak about it consciously. Kinesiology techniques, using body feed-back, allow you to find the blockages that now hold you back from being healthy and happy. The intention is to find a specific sequence of support for the person to activate their inborn ability to heal. We are balancing physical, nutritional, emotional and energetic issues, releasing stress and strengthening the body. Kinesiology offers methods to access unhealed emotional wounds from the past gently and allows release of the trauma and stress associated with it. I use a process called "age recession" to visit the time in the past, where we felt traumatized. The balancing process is gentle, using many different tools, including finding a new perspective, acceptance and making peace, acupressure, colour, sound and touch.

One of my first Kinesiology clients suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome was a young girl aged 13. The teenager tested as having no willingness to get better on a subconscious level. When we explored it, she blamed herself for the death of her Nana, who had died many months earlier. Once we uncovered the misunderstandings and allowed her to be vulnerable, feel and talk about it, the healing could begin. She hadn't cried and the family was in so much pain at the time, that nobody had noticed or been able to give attention to the enormous distress this girl experienced.

Sometimes supporting a child during grief is too big a demand of a parent who is also grieving. This is where other family members, friends and professional counsellors need to step in.

Don't assume that your child must have a problem. Some children are very wise and when they feel safe and loved, understood and supported they grieve and heal in their own way. This is especially so, when they are included in the whole process. Pay attention to the signs children may give you that they are struggling. In small children, observe how happy they are, how often they cry, if they regress from their age or become angry, clingy and fearful. The older child may begin to wet the bed, get into trouble at school, stop their hobbies and fight with you. The teenager may be withdrawn or suddenly take dangerous risks. Some children get ill, so as to have their needs met. I have worked with a couple of girls that began suffering from eating disorders after a close friends died. A young man I met through my work blamed himself for the suicide of a classmate at high school. Several years later, he suffered from low vitality and depression. No drug therapy would have initiated a healing process. At the time of the death, he just closed up and became withdrawn. When he consulted me, he didn't have conscious access to the hidden pain and emotional cause for his depression.

What can you do? Be lovingly present and open. Allow a child to grieve in a supportive environment. This will support emotional growth through learning how to deal with intense emotional experiences and can prevent illnesses and dysfunctions many years later. Supportive for all ages are love, physical contact, including them in what's going on, talking about the loss, giving space to be and feel. However, the needs may change with age. Flower essences are wonderful allies. You may find a practitioner who will make up a specific mix or you may buy some Rescue Remedy or Emergency Essence from your Health Food Shop. Flower Essences are gentle remedies made from the energy of flowers. They are a support for the whole being during emotional times. Little children may benefit from drawing, sand play and stories. They often relate loss to separation and abandonment, so need lots of reassurance. Older children need your honesty. Show them your willingness to talk about what is going on for them. Take any perceived responsibility for the death off their shoulders and allow them to be their age. Some children feel like they need to take on a parenting role for siblings or even the grieving parent as a result of comments like, "Mum depends on you now". Relieve them of this burden. You may need to help them talk about their feelings and find a meaningful ritual. It's ok to ask them how they would like to remember a loved one who has died. Keeping some mementos, scattering the ashes in a special place, photos, planting a tree, spending time at the cemetery after the funeral is over, listening to the dead person's favourite music are just a few ideas. Bring expression to their pain through painting and drawing feelings. Be gentle with the child, encourage movement and play. This allows a healthy processing of their grief. The adolescent needs to have opportunities to discuss issues of life and death. Take time to listen to their feelings. Your spiritual beliefs and teaching will play a role in the way you talk, but be careful not to stop them from feeling and being open because you want them to see the world the way you do.

Children and adults bring their history to the event. How did you learn to cope with emotional pain? Is this the first experience of loss? Have you felt or buried these feelings before? Are you so overwhelmed that you simply have no capacity to support anyone else? Reach out to others, we are not meant to suffer alone! If you know that you are holding unhealed grief inside, you may want to take your own steps towards healing now. As a parent you will be better able to support your child in times of emotional pain. If you feel helpless around other people's pain, you may want to learn some new skills, like how to listen without judgment, how to be lovingly present without over caring and protocols for First Aid in emotional emergencies.

About the Author

Parijat Wismer has 20 years practical experience in helping people regain their health and vitality, using Kinesiology, Nutrition and herbs. Parijat has authored the self-help course "First Aid for Emotional Trauma" and is writing a book with the same title. Increase your energy, vitality and wellbeing! Parijat's experience and up-to-date information will inspire you to take action and responsibility for your own health. Visit www.vital